It's hard to believe 4 years have gone by since we buried our daughter, our sister. Sometimes I feel like it is harder now than it was then. It is hard to see pictures of our family because I know that there is a face missing. I miss that her brother will never know her the way her sisters did. I miss that we don't get to see her, hear her, feel her. No Christmases, no ballet classes. The girls miss her, too. Often times when we are the store Aubrey will pick out an outfit, "Can we get this for baby Joslyn?" It must be her age because I remember Kennedy doing the same thing a couple years ago.
We always celebrate her birthday. This year was a little different since Adam could not get off work. When he got home we went to see the Winnie the Pooh Movie (actually, I slept through the entire thing!) and then went to Abeulos for dinner. I didn't make a cake this year ... I still feel guilty about it. It had rained more in the days leading up to her birthday than it had all year long so we waited until the weekend after her birthday to take new flowers to her grave. I'm doing better about not feeling like I need to go by there weekly and change the flowers monthly. I forgot my camera that day so I didn't have any pictures.
We've been working on our Christopher Columbus project for history and needed acorns. There is a massive oak tree in our neighbors yard but it produces the tiniest acorns I've ever seen. The girls knew where to find gigantic ones so we headed over to the cemetary to harvest a crop of acorn caps. We weren't dissappointed. It's kind of wierd but the kids have fun there. They ask questions about those buried around Joslyn. There are several other babies, many born within weeks of her. There are a lot of older graves, too.
Anyways, tonight I was putting the girls to bed. The conversation some how turned to Joslyn and Aubrey asked why she died in my tummy. I told her I didn't know. I told her we had lots and lots of tests done and that the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me or the baby. Kennedy spoke boldly and said, "I know why she died. God didn't make her for this world. God made her for heaven." Oh the tears!! She is so right. And I've never thought about it like that! Then Aubrey asked to pray again .. "Dear Jesus, please come quickly so we can see Joslyn. We love her and want to play with her." She didn't ask for Jesus to send her back, she asked that He would come soon! I am so very blessed! I only wish I possessed half their wisdom!